How to Divorce Your Adult Children and Restore Your Sanity
I am known for exposing the “elephant in the living room.” Those things everybody knows but nobody is talking about. Not every mother-daughter relationship reads like a Hallmark card, and our culture makes that a shameful secret to bear.
Dr. Christiane Northrup suggested that the bonding hormones that flood a mother’s blood stream at childbirth stay with women for about 28 years.
It is no accident, then, that the first round of truly adult separation (not teenage rebellion) begins to rear its head somewhere around 30 for women and the menopause years for their mothers. For the first time, the veil begins to lift and we see each other for the women we have become.
When It Comes to Your Adult Children, What is Normal?
Some estimate that 96% of American Families are dysfunctional in some way – making it the norm. But “normal” is not necessarily healthy, and it certainly falls short of the abundant life we’ve been promised.
Women are held responsible for the relational health of the world – at work, at home, family health and wellbeing, the sexuality, the promiscuity, the cause, the cure and the results. When a true perpetrator arises in a family, the mother protects ala Mama Bear. If she doesn’t die trying, she can later become a target.
Mom is apparently the one who knew (or should have known) what was happening at every moment of every day to their children – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. After all, moms have eyes in the backs of their heads and are equipped with the unusual ability to read minds, right?
See also: Letting Go And The Art Of Parenting Adult Children
What Is Healthy When It Comes to Adult Children?
M. Scott Peck wrote, “Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs.” The pinch point for grandmothers is that any loss of relationship with our adult children means strained relations – if not severed ties – with the grandchildren who now light up our lives.
I am a mother of three and grandmother to 11. I stayed with their father for more than 20 years believing that somehow I could make him feel loved enough to change.
Over time, each of my children has drawn close to me for healing, and pulled away for the same reason. I am, after all, the one they hold responsible for the shifting emotional sand in their psyche.
Ten years ago, I remarried a man whose children were also grown. We imagined that would alleviate the adjustments of step-families. In some ways, not having children in the home made it easier to forge our identity as a married couple.
Although we shared values, we didn’t share history with each others’ children. We each brought our traditions and expectations to bear. When I recently chose to divorce this man who had played “grandpa” to my children’s children, old wounds surfaced.
Had I known that to leave him meant I would lose my only local family, I probably would have stayed for the sake of the grandchildren. It’s that old programming baby boomer women still struggle with.
If something isn’t working, you try harder. Marital problems? Pray more, love more, give more, be patient, and wait it out. Suck it up, stuff it down, be quiet and don’t make waves.
What Is Real?
I have identified four distinct stages in the journey to wholeness.
Desperate
Our lives become (or continue to be) a carefully constructed illusion based on how it looks, what people will think, and what we imagine will get us the love and security we so desperately crave.
This is why grandmothers continue to “make peace at all costs” rather than saying what they see, need and want. Some have called it the disease to please.
Distant
Pretending that everything is okay when in our hearts we know that is not true can only go so far. We go along to get along. We smile in public and cry in private. We live a lie, and it eats at our souls every day.
Women think if we ignore it, maybe it will go away or time will heal all wounds. The thing is, time doesn’t heal buried pain. It has to be unearthed and acknowledged before it will pass away. Pain that gets buried alive poisons the rest of our lives.
Divorce
Divorce is a harsh word when applied to our mother-child relationships, isn’t it? But it happens whether we acknowledge it or not. Divorce occurs when all communication has broken down and attempts at reconciliation fail.
It is the most painful dark night of the soul. With divorce comes all the drama of severed relationships, he-said she-said finger pointing, and drama triangles where people talk about each other, but never directly to one another so healing could occur. We might as well lawyer up and some do. It’s called Grandparent Rights.
See also: The Detachment Wall: How To Let Go Of Your Adult Children
Done
Last is the place of acceptance. There is no anger, no angst, no more bargaining. It is where we accept what life is handing out right now and the fighting is done.
You have decided what you do and do not want, what you will and will not stand for, and are making decisions to move forward with or without the resolution you may have hoped for. You are free to stay or go because you have become dedicated to reality at all costs.
Read HOW TO DEAL WITH HAVING AN ESTRANGED ADULT CHILD.
What’s Next for You and Your Adult Children?
Do I wish I had capacity back then to do some things differently? Definitely. Do I regret what I allowed my children to endure because of the choices I made? Mm-hmm.
Is there anything I can do now to go back and change it? Not a damn thing. Does it serve anyone for me to live in remorse and regret? Nope. Not now, not ever. Never.
Nobody had a perfect childhood – at least nobody in my generational gene pool. We all did the best we could with what we had to work with at the time. That is as true today as it was generations ago.
The biggest healer for women in daughter divorces is to break the shame by breaking the silence. Let’s talk about what’s real and how to help live dreams without drama in our later years.
Read WHEN PEOPLE ASK ABOUT MY ESTRANGED CHILDREN… WHAT CAN I SAY?
Also read 60 AND ESTRANGED FROM AN ADULT CHILD? HOW NOT TO DEAL WITH IT.
This article has generated several important conversations. Many mothers/grandmothers are going through similar realities each with their unique set of situations. Talking and being vulnerable with one another is part of the healing process – as we can tell by reading your chats. Knowing that you are not alone helps in accepting the outcome of your distanced relationship with your adult children.
Many have mentioned that therapy has helped them through this difficult time in their lives. Online therapy sessions are now readily available and affordable. Websites like Better Help, Talk Space, and Online Therapy have therapists and mental health professionals available to listen and guide you.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Where do you find yourself in the process of letting your adult children go? Where are you on the journey to finding yourself in your sixties? Please share your thoughts below!
Tags Adult Children
My 40 year old son is still blaming me and his dad for his short comings. We bailed him out of jail, sent him money to survive when he did time in there. Accepted his phone calls. He got his dad’s business when he got out. He wishes he didn’t. He isn’t speaking to me because I won’t co sign for a loan. Blames his bad habits on me and his dad. BtW, I divorced his dad 35 years ago! I’ve been in recovery 24 years. I feel sad about losing my son over money.
I live with my adult daughter and her husband and my grandson . I feel since her and I have a past of not getting along,and fights over the yrs . For which I have apologized. It just isn’t working she has told me she doesn’t like the way she was raised as she feels her dad and grandma raised her as I was always working. However she does say she got everything she wanted.
I am thinking of moving . My worry is I will never see my grandchild. They also owe me money which I will need and I don’t want to put them in financial difficulties . But I have tried and it’s enough, I am 70 and can’t put up with anymore
I’m 60 years old and my adult son (30 years old) estranged from the family 4 years ago and we have no idea why, believe his GF has alot to do with it because she is very controlling and has had a very disfunctal family upbringing. I don’t know if there is anything I can do.
I am a widower of 2 years with 2 adult children. I was born and raised on the East coast and spent my entire life there until 1-1/2 years ago.
At that time, my husband of 35 years passed away. It had been a difficult marriage. My husband was unfaithful more than once. He was never interested in resolving conflict and used his traveling for work 2-3 nights a week as an escape to avoid settling our problems. I was basically raising the children the majority of the time and we called ourselves, “the Three Musketeers”. At the 20 year mark of our marriage, I found myself caring for my own mother, who had developed Alzheimers that lasted for 13 years. And right after my mother’s dx, my husband began an affair with his married, secretary. It was a tough year for me, and I was hanging on for dear life. Fast forward…the affair ended, I stayed in the marriage, hoping to give stability to the kids and have stronger financial standing to be able to send them both to good colleges.
Next, both kids ended up in great universities. I on the other hand was experiencing terrible depression and was so unhappy with my own life… once being able to think about myself for a change. I talked to my husband about how I was feeling and he listened. I told him I wanted out. He was unbelievably nice and agreed to whatever I would want to do. Within the next month or so, he had his annual physical and was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer. I ended up staying with him. He was very fortunate to live 10 years with the use of clinical trials. So, I was helping care for my mother and my husband while the kids were in college and they both ended up going on to grad school as well and were away for years.
My adult children were both living in California and working at the time of their dad/ my husband’s death. A few months after he passed away they asked me to consider moving cross country to be nearer to them. I had never dreamed of moving to California and was really taken back at their request/invitation. It meant so much to me to feel wanted and it even made me feel special. Well, I did it. I made the move and I’ve been here for a little over year and a half now. I am very sad to say that it is not what I had expected. I feel like I’m on a terrible roller coaster and I want to get off! I do hope you can help.
I gave up everything I had ever known or had ever had, just to move here. I sold my home and most of my furniture. I gave up my job and moved to what felt like a different country. I had a very difficult time adjusting and got very sick. Terrible anxiety w/nausea and vomiting. Both of my kids treated me with the “tough love” approach. They weren’t used to seeing me being “needy” and they made me do the research to find my own doctor’s when I was so nauseated I could hardly hold my head up. It felt terribly cruel and I personally could never imagine treating anyone that way. It took all my strength to open my laptop when I was so sick, but I did it! I found good doctor’s for myself and by myself! I feel perfectly adjusted now, and can say I feel happiness most days. I regularly do yoga and meditation class and I do Pilates, I’ve gotten a job. But, the problem is my adult children. They are causing me so much heartbreak and pain. And it is costing me so much in rent to live. I had my own home before with a very reasonable mortgage payment… nothing like it is here in California. Everything is expensive, gas, food, etc. The only reason I ever came here was to be nearer to the kids. And sometimes, I do have really good times with them and they each live with their own partners who are very nice and I like them, too. But, being with my kids is like riding a roller coaster, that sometimes goes off the track…not always but quite often. The issues that cause us to go off the track are usually the smallest things. Maybe i’m 5 minutes late, or maybe I say something wrong, or maybe anything… I also, have no partner or close friend I can talk to. There are 2 of them with their partners and feel like the “odd man out”, so to speak. When problems arise, they all talk amongst themselves about me and it makes me so uncomfortable. I don’t know what they are saying about me. I have done way too much for them all and can’t believe I’m finding myself in this position. I just wonder if I should move back. I am trying to care for myself and have been making good strides after having years of unhappiness. I love my kids, but I really think they may need me more than I need them and they are destroying the time that we have together. I’m exhausted and drained from the continual conflict.
Pam, this sounds terrible. Do you have a friend from your previous place you can talk to on the phone about all this? Maybe it’s time to think about moving back there. Living exhausted and drained from the conflict is NOT a good way to be. I found a good older woman therapist on Better Help who was able to walk me through getting some boundaries in place with my adultdaughter and it has really halped me. Also Sheru McGregor’s books Done with the Crying and Beyond Done with the Crying. Unlike so many books on this topic, these are from the view of the mistreated parent, ot from the view of the adult child, so it is a lot more understanding and helpful. The strategies I learned in those books and on the Better Help site really helped—I should say, on the Better Help site, the older woman therapist Caroline Brennan (not not not the young therapists they gave me at first!! who were completely clueless). So I think it soulnds like you are really in a messy situation and need help from a friend and/or books and/or therapist to set things right. Good luck!!
Sorry, edited to fix my typo–Sheri McGregor, not Sheru! Sorry!
I am a widower of 2 years with 2 adult children.