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How to Divorce Your Adult Children and Restore Your Sanity

By Kim Brassor May 07, 2023 Family

I am known for exposing the “elephant in the living room.” Those things everybody knows but nobody is talking about. Not every mother-daughter relationship reads like a Hallmark card, and our culture makes that a shameful secret to bear.

Dr. Christiane Northrup suggested that the bonding hormones that flood a mother’s blood stream at childbirth stay with women for about 28 years.

It is no accident, then, that the first round of truly adult separation (not teenage rebellion) begins to rear its head somewhere around 30 for women and the menopause years for their mothers. For the first time, the veil begins to lift and we see each other for the women we have become.

When It Comes to Your Adult Children, What is Normal?

Some estimate that 96% of American Families are dysfunctional in some way – making it the norm. But “normal” is not necessarily healthy, and it certainly falls short of the abundant life we’ve been promised.

Women are held responsible for the relational health of the world – at work, at home, family health and wellbeing, the sexuality, the promiscuity, the cause, the cure and the results. When a true perpetrator arises in a family, the mother protects ala Mama Bear. If she doesn’t die trying, she can later become a target.

Mom is apparently the one who knew (or should have known) what was happening at every moment of every day to their children – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. After all, moms have eyes in the backs of their heads and are equipped with the unusual ability to read minds, right?

See also: Letting Go And The Art Of Parenting Adult Children

What Is Healthy When It Comes to Adult Children?

M. Scott Peck wrote, “Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs.” The pinch point for grandmothers is that any loss of relationship with our adult children means strained relations – if not severed ties – with the grandchildren who now light up our lives.

I am a mother of three and grandmother to 11. I stayed with their father for more than 20 years believing that somehow I could make him feel loved enough to change.

Over time, each of my children has drawn close to me for healing, and pulled away for the same reason. I am, after all, the one they hold responsible for the shifting emotional sand in their psyche.

Ten years ago, I remarried a man whose children were also grown. We imagined that would alleviate the adjustments of step-families. In some ways, not having children in the home made it easier to forge our identity as a married couple.

Although we shared values, we didn’t share history with each others’ children. We each brought our traditions and expectations to bear. When I recently chose to divorce this man who had played “grandpa” to my children’s children, old wounds surfaced.

Had I known that to leave him meant I would lose my only local family, I probably would have stayed for the sake of the grandchildren. It’s that old programming baby boomer women still struggle with.

If something isn’t working, you try harder. Marital problems? Pray more, love more, give more, be patient, and wait it out. Suck it up, stuff it down, be quiet and don’t make waves.

What Is Real?

I have identified four distinct stages in the journey to wholeness.

Desperate

Our lives become (or continue to be) a carefully constructed illusion based on how it looks, what people will think, and what we imagine will get us the love and security we so desperately crave.

This is why grandmothers continue to “make peace at all costs” rather than saying what they see, need and want. Some have called it the disease to please.

Distant

Pretending that everything is okay when in our hearts we know that is not true can only go so far. We go along to get along. We smile in public and cry in private. We live a lie, and it eats at our souls every day.

Women think if we ignore it, maybe it will go away or time will heal all wounds. The thing is, time doesn’t heal buried pain. It has to be unearthed and acknowledged before it will pass away. Pain that gets buried alive poisons the rest of our lives.

Divorce

Divorce is a harsh word when applied to our mother-child relationships, isn’t it? But it happens whether we acknowledge it or not. Divorce occurs when all communication has broken down and attempts at reconciliation fail.

It is the most painful dark night of the soul. With divorce comes all the drama of severed relationships, he-said she-said finger pointing, and drama triangles where people talk about each other, but never directly to one another so healing could occur. We might as well lawyer up and some do. It’s called Grandparent Rights.

See also: The Detachment Wall: How To Let Go Of Your Adult Children

Done

Last is the place of acceptance. There is no anger, no angst, no more bargaining. It is where we accept what life is handing out right now and the fighting is done.

You have decided what you do and do not want, what you will and will not stand for, and are making decisions to move forward with or without the resolution you may have hoped for. You are free to stay or go because you have become dedicated to reality at all costs.

Read HOW TO DEAL WITH HAVING AN ESTRANGED ADULT CHILD.

What’s Next for You and Your Adult Children?

Do I wish I had capacity back then to do some things differently? Definitely. Do I regret what I allowed my children to endure because of the choices I made? Mm-hmm.

Is there anything I can do now to go back and change it? Not a damn thing. Does it serve anyone for me to live in remorse and regret? Nope. Not now, not ever. Never.

Nobody had a perfect childhood – at least nobody in my generational gene pool. We all did the best we could with what we had to work with at the time. That is as true today as it was generations ago.

The biggest healer for women in daughter divorces is to break the shame by breaking the silence. Let’s talk about what’s real and how to help live dreams without drama in our later years.

Read WHEN PEOPLE ASK ABOUT MY ESTRANGED CHILDREN… WHAT CAN I SAY?

Also read 60 AND ESTRANGED FROM AN ADULT CHILD? HOW NOT TO DEAL WITH IT.

This article has generated several important conversations. Many mothers/grandmothers are going through similar realities each with their unique set of situations. Talking and being vulnerable with one another is part of the healing process – as we can tell by reading your chats. Knowing that you are not alone helps in accepting the outcome of your distanced relationship with your adult children. 

Many have mentioned that therapy has helped them through this difficult time in their lives. Online therapy sessions are now readily available and affordable. Websites like Better Help, Talk Space, and Online Therapy have therapists and mental health professionals available to listen and guide you.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Where do you find yourself in the process of letting your adult children go? Where are you on the journey to finding yourself in your sixties? Please share your thoughts below!

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Cathy

We are so very tired of helping our learning disabled 47 year old daughter. She really is missing common sense, and of course, it is nice to have a scapegoat. This last episode just occured after she ghosted us in aug. We gave her part of her inheritance by buying her a condo years ago in Victoria BC as we knew rents were sky high as is housing. Afew years later we bought ourselves a condo for the winter in the same city but not walkable distance. That way we could escape harsh winters on Ontario. We have really tried to stay out of her hair when there, but then got an estrangement letter calling us the popular words- narcissistic,gaslighting, and toxic, and ruining her life with our hurtful behaviour. We heard a couple of days ago that she has sold her condo and moved out if the area. No job just her cat. She will not tell us where but said we were intrusive by asking to use her empty parking spot when occasionally downtownlast year.She hasn’t told her friends in the area just did this spontaneously, and will never be able to get back into the market again. We cannot keep subjecting ourselves to this stress as we are well into our 70s, but are becoming physically ill and unable to eat.we have helped move her back and forth across the country multiple times and paid off gambling debts. I so want to erase her from my mind but the only remedies I know of are drugs or suicide.Can anyone relate?

Ivy

Reading these posts from other parents is very helpful, you, we, are not alone. You deserve to be happy and not dragged down. I can relate I am 63, I garden, walk, read things like this that are extremely helpful, cook, sew. Day by day find things to enjoy

Viola

I’ve separated myself from my 45 yr old daughter because she verbally assaulted me like I’ve never experienced by anyone ever. I’ve blocked her calls, social media etc. I’ve advised her that the only way I’d consider re-communicating is with a professional between us. I’d even considered forgoing my relationship with my grandkids because I’m not willing to go through her to get to them. She’s that toxic to me. But in truth I’m so at peace without her in my sphere. I’ve felt compelled to set string boundaries with her as I’ve felt extremely violated by her!
It’s a strange place to be🤷🏿

Debbie

My alcoholic son and daughter in law (she doesn’t drink), are not letting me see my granddaughter who is 2 and the light of my life. They are angry that I missed her bday party. I was sick! I wouldn’t have missed it for anything I adore this child. So until they’re no longer angry I can’t see her. I am devastated. My son is always looking for a reason to be angry, it’s part of the disease. But my mental health is suffering. I’m angry at my husband for not going to talk to them, to explain that I truly was sick and why would they be mad about something that couldn’t be helped. Instead he watches me stay in bed crying daily. I feel like I’m all alone.

Tara W

Hi Debbie. Your situation and mine are very similar. And your feelings for your grandchild are very similar to mine. I can only say, from my perspective, I believe it is nothing but manipulation. It hurts so much I know. But I imagine there’s more going on w them. DILs are complicated too. Praying for you.

Karen Sweeney

I am turning 60 this month. I currently have my 26 yr old daughter living back at my house due to her relationship breakup. My daughter has issues she blames me for & tells me I’m the worst parent ever for not helping her. I feel bad at times & mad as hell other times when we clash .
I have not been the perfect parent but also was not raised by one either although I know my mother did what she was taught to do although lacking in some areas.
I want my daughter to be happy & successful but don’t know how to help when she doesn’t lift a finger to help herself. I have gotten phone numbers to where she can ask for help since when I call they don’t want to discuss her mental health with me but her. i feel trapped & so tired of the emotional & mental toll this is taking on me to the point I want to go back to drinking which I quit in 2011 just to escape. I am married but it’s like to a 2nd child in the house since he got on disability from job injury.i am stuck between them & their arguments often.
HELP WITH WHAT ACTION TI TAKE DESPERATLY NEEDED.

Jill

Two days ago, my 28 year old son humiliated me in public, and it hurt me to the core. After several years of hurt, I have decided to let go. I need to protect myself, my heart and my sanity. How long will it take to get over the hurt and feel free?

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The Author

Kim Brassor is a human resource professional and executive coach who provides education, inspiration and encouragement to people with life damaging habits, and those who love them. She is 60-something and shining a light for other women to live their dreams without drama.

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