Why I Encourage a Fast Start to Dating?
If you’ve read my previous posts, you know I’m excited about helping my clients enjoy online dating. And I certainly don’t mess around. I am a supporter of the fast start on dating.
And I do this with a reason. Consider this example:
A new client of mine, Nina, 62, widowed, independent and a successful business woman, was aghast when I told her that I expected her to go on four dates in the first two weeks. I spoke to her earlier this week and here’s what she shared with me about her fast-dating experience.
“I’m a confident person but was nervous after a 25-year marriage – you wanted me on four dates! I haven’t gone on any dates in three years since my husband passed and here’s what happened:
- I learned I can still talk about things other than business.
- By date three, my confidence level soared.
- This was sort of fun, and the men I was meeting I would have never run into in my day-to-day life.
- Two were terrific men I’ll see again, the other two, well, I thought, ‘What in the world was I thinking when I chose them?!?’
- By date four, I absolutely knew what I didn’t want.”
So, why am I insistent on a fast start?
You Learn Much About Yourself!
A fast start to dating gives you an idea about what you like and what you don’t like. You will then be able to quickly screen out any singles that will not be a good match for you. As a 25+ year dating coach, I learn much about my clients from those first four dates – maybe even more than I had learned on our one-hour Zoom call.
Confidence Soars
With online dating, it’s not that difficult to meet four men in two weeks. In your day-to-day life, it’s highly unlikely. Think of it this way – the first time you picked up a golf club or pickleball paddle, were you confident? Confidence comes from repetition and experience. I find women start to look forward to their dates after those initial four meets.
You Learn What You Want
Another client learned that she was a pretty adventurous traveler. Two men told her their idea of exciting trips this year were: a. driving cross country and b. visiting battle sights in the US.
I’m absolutely not knocking these, but her idea of travel was trekking the Camino de Santiago in the Fall and visiting the Vatican on a Wednesday for a papal blessing. When she mentioned these two things, both men looked startled.
Working vs Retirement
Claire loves what she does and has no intention of stopping until she’s in her late 60s/early 70s. She met up with several men who happened to be content in retirement, babysitting grandchildren. And that is totally fine – for them. We concluded it might be a case of perhaps right person, wrong time in life. But we’ve decided no more retired men for Claire, especially if they have no passionate interests or hobbies.
Comparisons and Accountability
Four dates give you a great feel for the different types of singles looking for love or a long-term relationship. Nina commented that had she not known she had a coaching call with me this week, she would have quit the dating site after only two dates.
Accountability works. Having an objective support person who is not your sister or best friend reaps benefits. It also works as a cheerleading mechanism – you have someone knowledgeable on your side making tweaks in your profile, the site you are on, the matches you are selecting for first dates, helping you craft messages that get responses, and making the process much more fun.
I think one woman said it much better than I ever could:
“Online dating is like going into an unknown jungle with all kinds of wild animals, dangerous plants, and traps… but also gorgeous flowers, sweet animals and revitalizing pools. A dating coach is the no-nonsense safety guide who does the briefing BEFORE you go in and then is also the guide who points out things along the way. Sometimes, she has to pick you up after a bad fall and dust you off. Now, imagine going into the jungle with NO guide or briefing… no wonder people have horrible experiences!”
Have a lovely week and happy dating!
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Does the idea of four dates in two weeks scare you? Why or why not? If you are not dating and would like to, what is stopping you?
Tags Senior Dating Sites
I have to say, I am not as cynical as many of the commenters are and I feel for you all, I do. Perhaps my expectations are different. My goal is to meet a new friend, perhaps a best friend in a mate, that is always what I encountered with face to face connections and maybe that will happen again, a spontaneous meeting, but in case that doesn’t happen, I will go about dating with the expectation to meet a new dear friend. We can’t have enough of them can we?
I lost three best friends the last ten years to sudden death and that has been torturous, no more long phone calls or pee in our pants laughter, but despite the agony of grief, I remain, beligerantly optimistic ( someone said that can’t recall who but credit is due). I’m sorry some of you had bad experiences I feel terrible that your throwing in the towel on love, even if it is for good reasons, such betrayals are devastating. You however are worthy of love, friendships and there are, I have no doubt, wonderful people like you and I who are out there making a stab at finding good honest relationships. Don’t give up just yet, it aint over till it’s over.
Maybe try again and maybe instead of looking for a husband or wife, look for a new friend to share experiences, who don’t care if your hair looks assunder in the morning and who you might if your willing to try again, have a human experience not fraught with mindfields but mindful conversations.
My cats are wonderul, I adore them but I need human connections. I am going in, wish me luck! I’ll be your friend if you need one, I can’t have enough good friends.
I haven’t even got to the dating stage yet, I joined a few online sites for older people and widows and widowers I am 61 and have been a widow for six years after 40 years of marriage . I have four adults sons and I am fairly easy going and quite liberal . I am independent but do miss the company. Found myself progressing from talking to the wall and the dog to talking to myself. All my experience has served me to do is embrace being single. I assumed incorrectly that men would be mindful that I did not want to find myself on a site like this at all – well I told them that but also that my last first date was in 1979. 1. Pictures of his private parts – just angered me for God’s sake grow up. 2. Would I like to travel 500miles to meet him and he would be my “fancy man” as he cannot drive. 3. Telling me their sexual preferences learnt there is a fetish where they like to have sex while fully clothed (at least I learnt something new) 4. 35 year old who thinks Im fit (same age as my son – no you do not, you think I have a substantial bank account young man ) 5 Sending me pictures of them holding a large fish ???? hate fishing. 6. Calling me “Babe ” God forgive me but have these men no idea how to engage a woman – I could honestly see why most of them are single. My friend described these sites as the Ebay of the dating world full of others left overs – well I wouldn’t go that far. It’s just sad at this time of life you have to sift through all the scammers and others to find a decent man.
I went on so many ‘coffee’ dates I can’t drink coffee today. I tried over 10 different sites, had many dating coaches from a top Hollywood coach to personal accountability coaches. I learned how to write my profile 20 different ways. Had professional photos taken several times and presented myself honestly. I knew what I wanted and although I met a few men who may have been a good prospect, they weren’t the ones who called me back.
I met a man online after 10 years and over 450 coffee dates the last week before I took a six month world cruise. He ticked all the boxes and was very charming. He met me in ports around the world and asked me to marry him which I did two years later. Within a year I learned he was a covert narcissist with a nice family but a well-hidden criminal past. I nearly lost everything to him including my sanity and self-esteem. Fortunately, I am smart, strong and had a good pre-nup. I’m now a year divorced and the prospect of dating doesn’t really interest me. The thought of spending all that time on something that ultimately was a losing proposition for me in retrospect did not seem worth it at all.
I would be hopeful if there was a way to meet someone organically but online is a non-starter for me.
Im so sorry to hear about your experience, My friend is currently divorcing a narcissist he almost ruined her life but with support of friends she is getting through it. Utterly charming on the surface but downright selfish , egotistical , evil person underneath. Already grooming his next victim who will not suffer if we can get her to listen to us. Take care of yourself and I hope you find someone normal your deserve. I actually got another dog in the end far more reliable and loyal.
Its a terrible experience. These people are unexcited about your interests and make a huge show of their love to the rest of the world. It turns out my work fulfilled me so well that I adjusted to the lack of depth in that man. They take an interest in something only to thrive in some visible manner – look good.. and only act bored with your passions until acting interested puts them in the perfect spouse category for all to see – that only mean they are planning to leave you. Now that he is gone .. bits if true joy arise and I feel who the heck I am again .. i was disappearing in his whirlwind of deceit showing his peers and other women – he was the perfect steadfast husband when he actually only kept me sick and unsure.
Why do so many women feel that they are nothing without a man? Online dating is a minefield, a disgusting new age tool to be scammed, lied to and led down the garden path. What stops me from dating is being “worn out” from romance and love. I have had my fair share of relationship drama and I would rather make dinner for my dog than a new boyfriend. Flying solo is grand, absolutely divine!
Plenty of women want to have a male partner and it’s not due to a problem with their self-esteem or how they perceive themselves. A wonderful relationship is a fantastic way to enrich your life. From conversations with friends I know that quite a few women have given up because they’ve never had a good relationship. That’s understandable . I also know several older women who found love later in life through dating sites. A good friend of mine at the age of 73 met the love of her life on a dating site. A year later they’re talking about marrying . It takes a lot of luck and patience because the sites are full of men who aren’t worth bothering with. But there are exceptions. I met my late husband on a dating site many many years ago
Totally agree with you here! 64 and recently separated from second husband…..there won’t be anymore. Too much hassle!
I’m with you, Lana. Although I never tried/needed on-line dating, I’ve been married, & had lots of fun since I left him 20 years ago, but I never want to make dinner for a guy nor wash a man’s underwear EVER again!
Exactly look at the positives although Im an on my own as Im a widow, no more underwear to wash, I do what I like when I like and, cook, eat, spend what I like. I am alone but not lonely. I read a quote recently ” Be careful who you chose to share your life with, they can be responsible for 99% or your happiness but also 99% of your sadness too.
Hear Hear totally agree I would prefer the company of my dogs any day. Reliable and Loyal and totally unselfish.
Totally agree with everyone’s comments..I, to want to meet someone organically..maybe in the aisle of the grocery store..what a thought..face to face and not a texting only kinda relationship..