The Importance of Establishing Boundaries After 60
I recently found myself in a position where, at the age of 62, I have begun to establish and actually stick with some boundaries.
This came with a complete mindset change – I wasn’t just paying lip service to this idea – it felt very different in my brain. I was setting some boundaries and would be sticking to them.
I had never done this before.
A Bit of Background
I had recently taken on more of a caretaking role for my mother, who I would describe as fairly narcissistic. Our relationship is less than fabulous, but I am her only child and regardless of my feelings overall, I want her to be safe.
Recently, my daughter-in-law had a small medical emergency and needed me to go and take over my grands for a few hours. My mother’s response to this was, “I hope she’s okay by tomorrow so you can get me where I need to go.”
There was zero concern for my daughter-in-law – her granddaughter-in-law. And I knew that if my kids and grands needed me the next day, that’s where I would be. They are my priority.
As it turned out, I was able to get my mother where she needed to go the next day, but it evolved into an entire day-long situation. I dropped her off at her home that night, and I felt different.
I was done. I had reached a new place in terms of what I was willing and able to do for my mother anymore.
I was establishing boundaries.
Boundaries Can Be Tricky, and They Come with Mixed Feelings
Making the decision to limit my availability to my mother as well as end my tendency to drop everything and run if something came up represented a huge change for me. Throughout my life I have always been a people pleaser and a caretaker – always wanting to do what I can to make people comfortable.
I had a realization that I could never make my mother comfortable or happy – and that my trying to do so was harming my own mental health and keeping me from doing the things and being with the people that I loved.
Establishing and respecting boundaries made perfect sense in my brain, but it felt “weird” to me because this was not something that I had EVER done.
My counselor encouraged me to change the word “weird” to the word “uncomfortable.” My action was new. It went against my personality. That didn’t mean it was wrong.
I often talk to the women in my Life Balance After 50 community about how it’s okay for us to sit in discomfort sometimes. Everything isn’t always easy. We aren’t supposed to be happy all the time. And, when we try something different, we should expect it to be uncomfortable.
Especially at the beginning.
I found that as I’ve started to follow through on these boundaries, I’ve felt a bit of discomfort mixed with a good amount of happiness and a healthier feeling overall.
Guilt Around Respecting Our Boundaries
Guilt is a common feeling among the women in this community, particularly when it relates to taking steps that benefit self. Many of us have been raised to smile and go along with whatever is happening, regardless of how we are feeling in the moment.
When we set boundaries, we are self-advocating. We are putting ourselves first. And this is often difficult or uncomfortable.
But is it wrong? Usually, no! And often, these boundaries strengthen us, strengthen our relationships, and make us more accessible and available to the people that we actually want to be there for!
We need to stop feeling guilty just because something we are doing feels right and good!
Saying “No” Doesn’t Come Naturally to Many of Us
We often don’t want to disappoint others. We often want to avoid conflict. Sometimes it just seems easier to say “yes.”
But, when we say “yes” to something or someone, who is not in line with our priorities and values, we are likely saying “no” to something or someone who is.
Because there is only so much time in a day.
Boundaries are important at any age, but after 60 they feel even more important. Time is valuable. Relationships are valuable. And, at this stage of the game, it is okay for us to decide how we want to spend our time and with whom. It is okay for us to take steps to limit toxicity in our lives.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you ever had to set boundaries with someone in your life? Was it difficult? Were you able to respect the boundaries that you set? What positive things came of it?
Tags Reinventing Yourself
I’m not in a caregiving position, but I recently have set boundaries with with my two adult daughters (31 & 26). I am no longer dropping everything and running to their rescue. I am no longer going to do without financially just so I can be their personal atm. I told them they are both adults 31 & 26 and they just need to figure it out, because being over 60 I get to put myself first for a change. I had such guilt over doing it, but of course neither one of them feels the least bit bad – they just cut all contact with me.
Boy, did you hit a nerve with a lot of women in this discussion or what? I took care of my mother in her later years and it was difficult. She was very needy, but I am not for sure if I would say she was narcissistic. She had healthcare workers, but made poor decisions with them, like giving them the key to her apartment or letting them cook food at their house and then dividing it between their clients, which is totally what they’re not supposed to do. So I stepped in even though I was working full-time and going to school also. Long story I won’t bore you with, but our relationship was always strained.
Now I am dealing with a neighbor with dementia that calls often for me to help her or lend her things I have for her to borrow because hers don’t work. I am 70 she is 78 both widowed. Her and her daughter are always arguing.
I have recently set a boundary about caring for my mother in law. I have been her driver and shopper for several years. She had an injury and had to stay with us for a couple of months. Her attitude was very selfish. She was rather demanding and rude. Our lives were turned upside down. We had to cancel a vacation. One day I had, had enough. I told my husband that I was done. He needed to step up and start taking over her care.