As a dating coach, I frequently hear this question: “Andrea, why am I still single? I’m successful, have plenty of friends, a solid social life and interests, and when I put my mind to something, I generally accomplish it.”

So, what is the real reason? Actually, despite all of the above, my answer based on 25 years of experience might sound a bit harsh. But – it’s YOU! You are keeping yourself single. Yep, it’s all you. It’s not the universe, it’s not the lack of single men out there, it’s not your age, it’s not where you live.

I know we all like easy excuses, but I prefer to be direct (graciously!) because I want you to find a loving, fun, happy relationship.

So, here are the top 5 reasons why, in my experience, single people remain single even though they don’t want to be so:

You Don’t Work at It
Yep, work. You’re probably successful in your professional life but that didn’t come from wishing it so. You worked. You had a plan. You knew where you wanted to end up and had a strategy. Perhaps a mentor. It wasn’t luck, right?

Why should dating be any different? Well, it isn’t. If you don’t put in the work, you won’t get the results.

Stuck in Your Comfort Zone
You have a routine, a lovely home, you walk your dog daily, have wine parties with your friends, etc. But, essentially, you are doing the same old, same old. You are stuck and don’t even realize it.

When was the last time you went out to do something new?

No Plan, All Procrastination

Many people think, “Next year I’ll meet someone. I’ll make it my New Year’s resolution.” And we all know how those go! Most are broken the first 10 days of January.

You need accountability and maybe a cheerleader (who isn’t a friend) to break this rut you are in. Think about it: When you pay a golf or tennis pro for lessons, you show up. When you do private Pilates or Yoga, you show up. Why? Because you’ve invested money. You took the step to better your game or health.

I ask the question again: How is dating different?

A relatively new client, Melissa, signed up with me a month ago. She’s 66, pretty, divorced for the last five years, her kids are at college, and she’s super skeptical. Her excuses?

• “Men want to date younger.” Ok, 20% do, according to Pew Research, but that leaves 80% in the game.
• “I want to meet someone organically.” What the heck does that mean? The produce aisle? Walking the dog? Playing tennis with your girlfriends?

I get monthly research from a top-notch research firm that tracks all sorts of industries. My report yesterday said that 52,876 singles in the 50–70-year-old age category signed up for online dating LAST WEEK on ONE DAY on one site alone! Do you know what those numbers do in December and January? They rise exponentially! Yep, normal people like you and me.

Back to Melissa for a second. In the past month, she’s gone on six first dates; five of which were right up her alley. She’s been on three second dates and having a blast.

Unrealistic Expectations

He must be 5’9”, slim, no baggage, athletic, well-traveled, etc. etc. etc. Ok, get over your expectations. We all have baggage, though I like to call it Life Experience. Don’t make lists of wishes. Instead, go straight back to the most important factors in a relationship: Chemistry, Communication and Common Values. So, what if he’s 5’7” and skis and you golf? Do you really want a mirror image of yourself? You’ll be bored to death.

Fear of the Unknown

Unfortunately, many are afraid of internet dating or just getting back out there in general. I have the cure – practice. If you’re suffering from insecurity about dating or just general nerves or angst, get help. My cure? 5 dates in the first few weeks will restore your faith in the dating world and make it much less acscary.

And dare I say fun? Because I hear that all the time!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What’s holding you back from dating? Why do you think you are still single? Are you listening to single girlfriends instead of diving into dating? What would give you the most confidence to date again?