On Assumptions: Things Aren’t Always What They Seem
We don’t think about it much, but we go through our daily lives with a huge range of assumptions about what is going on around us. At least I do. And I expect you do, too.
You’re in the supermarket and a mother is yelling at a little boy. You assume he is her son, and he has done something wrong, although you don’t know for sure.
Poor kid, you think, or perhaps, poor mother. Or perhaps both.
You are walking in the park and a couple in front of you are holding hands and smiling at each other. You assume they are in love and happy, although again, you don’t know for sure.
How lovely, you think. Hope it lasts.
The activities of strangers remind us of the existence of other people and how their lives are different from our own. Sometimes, we create stories in our minds about what is going on.
But our initial assumptions can be very wrong. I have had two examples of this in the last week, which made me think twice. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa. (That essentially means I am very guilty.)
Strangers Talking Loudly
I was on my way to get a flu jab. I had just got off the London underground train and was climbing some short stairs before getting onto the escalator to exit the station. Three people immediately behind me were talking extremely loudly (almost shouting) to one another. You could have heard them from quite a distance.
It wasn’t very serious, but it was annoying. Thoughtless to other passengers. As we stood on the escalator, I said to the middle-aged woman who was part of the group, “Why do you need to talk so loudly?”
I hoped I sounded a bit cross, but reasonable at the same time. I’m not sure I succeeded. I vaguely expected to get a mouthful in return.
Instead, she replied nicely, “He has learning disabilities.” And she went on to explain, “He has trouble communicating, and we encourage him to speak up.” I smiled sympathetically. She then called to him to talk a bit quieter.
I got off the escalator and went on with my task. But it made me think of the difficulties other people face in managing their lives. And what looked like thoughtless shouting had a purpose in this family.
My misunderstanding. My jumping to early inaccurate conclusions.
But this was as nothing next to my confusion a few days before.
A Slow Customer
I am very friendly with the owner of my local print shop because it has been the go-to place for photocopying and printing for my day-to-day work for over 30 years.
I had gone in to ask this long-time acquaintance if he could insert a sim card into my new phone, as I was finding it difficult. He is always willing to do small favours for me. He happily agreed but said his younger colleague would need to do it because his eyes were much better.
I sat down to wait, although I was anxious to get to a pressing appointment. The colleague was dealing with a customer who seemed to have a very complicated print job. Ten pages of this, twenty pages of that.
She talked slowly. She kept changing her mind. Her English was not good. She shuffled her papers uneasily. I was not in a position to argue, but it was highly annoying.
It was going to be a long wait, possibly half an hour I was told. I decided to forget about my phone, hurriedly said good-bye and went out to get on with my day. It might have seemed rude.
I phoned the owner later in the day and apologised.
“No,” he said. “You were fine. I couldn’t explain at the time. That lady had come to London on holiday from Israel, and she had just learned that her entire family had been wiped out by a rocket attack. She was trying to arrange death notices and was in a lot of distress.”
Yikes. What could I say? This put my sim card in its place. I would be equally ineffective in her situation, if not more so. The shop owner and I exchanged thoughts of sympathy for the poor woman. The complete loss of a family at one time is hard to take in.
Things are not always what they seem.
You might also like to read DEALING WITH THE SMALL IRRITATIONS IN LIFE.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you been entirely wrong about a situation you stumbled upon in a public place? What was your assumption and how far off were you? Do you ever consider other people’s issues may be very different or more important than your own?
Tags Positivity
Assumptions played a very large part in nearly all of our arguments as a married couple for many years. They still rear their ugly head from time to time.
When my daughter landed her first job in retail, i gave her one small piece of advice (which I had leaned when I was a shop assistant in my teens)—be nice to EVERYONE. No matter how rude, or impatient, or undecided they are—be nice. You don’t know what sort of day they are having—their cat might have just died, maybe they have a headache, or have to catch a bus in 4 minutes. It works wonders for relationships & for your own sel-esteem.
I use this in every day life. 🇦🇺
Thank you! I very much enjoyed this topic. A younger, more impatient me would be guilty of same 🫣
I’m proud to have evolved into a person who now knows well enough to never make assumptions. The truth is, we really do not know another person’s situation. I often remind my children to be kind, as everyone is dealing with their own personal battles.
😊
i have one — i last year started walking with a walking stick. enough about that; i hate when it’s the focus of everyone around …
so i was going to get a cart at the grocery store – a woman at the front of the cart queue asked if i needed a cart – she didn’t have one, so i waved her off, muttering it (my walking stick hypersensitive condition) wasn’t as bad as it looked. well, come to find out, her husband was at the back of the queue with the cart they were bringing back. the carts were sparse, so it was a little walk to retrieve one
she wasn’t pitying me, she was just being nice.
ach. me and my sensitivities!
(i’m sure there are worse examples —)
the time i almost yelled at someone i was trying to talk to in a hands-on job with LOTS of people. ‘what’s the matter, are you deaf or something??!” he replied ‘well, yes, on that side, i am; if you can come to the other side, i can hear you better’ oh. ok.
we do have to make assumptions and guesses through our day – how far is that wall from our front bumper, what does that person have in their hand approaching me — we have to be aware. i think the trick is not to act on assumptions as fact — if i would have chastised that lady about assuming about someone who’s slightly disabled or if i penalized that man for being deaf on one side when i didn’t know that. fortunately, these situations turned out well. so we have to guess -even assume sometimes- but act on the side of generous in our social interactions wherever possible
I understand how you feel about your walking stick. We had to get one for my late father when he was becoming a little infirm, but was still independent. Oh my goodness, the tussle we had to get him to use it and we had specifically chosen a folding type so he could put it in his pocket – as a proud ex WW2 veteran he just wasn’t having it.
Then as luck would have it his female companion told him he would just look like a smartly dressed gentleman with a nice black stick and after that he was fine. My brother also bought him a green one with a nice horn handle for very smart occasions.
My mother told me to “give others the benefit of the doubt” which is what I’ve always tried to do. You never know what’s really happening in other people’s lives. It’s a bit like “half full or half empty.” I’m raising my 15 year old grandson and use many of the “old sayings” I grew up with. Now he thinks they’re corny, but I hope in the long run they (or some of them) impact his life the way they did mine. Being a good, caring person takes effort. At 76 I know I’m a good person and won’t change. Dating has been difficult and many men have hurt me — but I still try to believe in people and hope for the best (another old expression).