6 Things I Learned About Ending a Long-Term Friendship
A few years ago I had a long term friendship come to an end. Four decades of love, laughter and jokes, gone. I felt as though someone had removed a part of my heart. However, that experience both taught me important life lessons as well as opened many new doors. Here’s what I learned:
A Right to Choose a Different Path
If you’ve had years of investment with a close friend, noticing that there are differences cropping up can be genuinely disturbing. At first we ignore it, because we want very much to preserve what we’ve had. If it persists, it might be time to ask:
Can we still relate? Are we still on the same wavelength? And, perhaps even more challenging, can I honor the changes in my friend and still be friends? Sometimes, yes, sometimes – no. That is uniquely up to us.
A Fork in the Road
Friends can disagree on many things and still bear great love for one another. I have a close friend whose family differs completely from mine; however, I learn from them, and from her, every time I visit.
This brings value and perspective into my life, and I can appreciate alternative viewpoints. What’s key is mutual respect. If you no longer feel as though your thoughts, views, ideas and opinions are honored, even though you may not agree, this can cause heartache and arguments.
We evolve. Sometimes there is a fork up ahead. You’re headed to the lake front. Your friend needs to climb the mountain. When a long-time friend needs to walk a different path, it can feel as powerful as losing a close family member. In fact, it is.
Ending Things in Person Is So Very Hard
Sometimes we see behaviors that telegraph an unspoken intention. For example, someone is perpetually unavailable. At first we think that they’re busy. Then it feels like rejection.
A conversation that ends a friendship is very hard, and many of us avoid that kind of confrontation. Lots of us express our intentions without actually knowing it, because we don’t wish to cause someone pain. If a longtime friend “doesn’t have time,” that may be their way of saying things have changed.
Long friendships involve years of investment. When we see that slipping away, it can be terrifying. We’re losing part of who we understand ourselves to be with that special someone close to us.
Of course, we want to hold on, and rejection feels like abandonment. It brings up strong emotions and people may simply not be up to that emotional discussion no matter how close you are, or were.
Just Walk Away, Lovingly
If and when a friendship reaches a breaking point for any reason, sometimes all you can do is walk away. As hard as this may sound, if the joy is gone, and aspects of your connection have become stressful or toxic, then the kindest thing you can both do is acknowledge that you need to move on.
We may never find out what happened. There may not be answers. Sometimes we don’t know why things changed. While that can be frustrating – “But what did I do wrong? – not everyone can give, or even has, an answer.
Lots of us don’t want to have to justify our actions or choices. Part of maturity includes not only allowing others to make their own choices, but also to be able to live in the question.
Create Room for New Acquaintances
While it’s important to mourn the loss of a beloved friend, it’s just as important to create room for new acquaintances. They may not share our history, but the pleasure of new ideas and lively discussions far outweighs feeling lonely.
Healing is ahead – for both of you – as long as you can honor what you had and wish your friend the best in all things.
Hold the History in Your Heart
We can’t all have a gracious discussion when a friendship ends. Sometimes it’s just not available. In the best of scenarios, you can talk it out, express your love, and say good bye without recriminations.
Or, have a loving conversation with this person with whom you have shared so much of you. Then visualize them with a halo of brilliant love around them. Above all, be grateful for what you had, for the memories and the gifts they brought into your life.
After our friendship ended, I would find small tokens from Ellen around my house. Rather than make me sad, today they remind me of the treasure that her friendship brought to my life. She graced my life for most of my adulthood. And that is gift enough.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you recently ended a lengthy friendship? Are you currently hurting because an old friend seems to be turning on you or changing? What do you do to work through your feelings? How do you open your heart to new friends as you age? Please share your insights and tips below.
Tags Friendships
Not long ago I ended a decades long friendship. Over the past couple of decades, I gradually began to change due to a divorce and forced life alteration. I helped through this too around the same time. However, in many ways she remained unchanged and then she became, or perhaps, always was, this person whose values and attitudes I didn’t agree with anymore. I kept silent for the most part, knowing she was someone who wouldn’t change, but eventually it all began to drag me down. Now, only a few years later, I’ve reconnected with an old childhood who I have have much in common with, and we travel together and understand each other better than others. This never would’ve have happened if I hadn’t made that initial decision to stop seeing that other friend. She was essentially sucking me dry of all that was positive and worth knowing about me.
I needed this! You have described everything that has happened to my friend and I. I don’t think she’ll ever know how much it hurts. But everything makes sense now- the things I refused to see. Its like she passed away….
I find this article and the responses rather confusing. The author’s experience is so vague – I don’t understand what the relationship was like or what ended it. I think that makes a difference to the aftermath. Same with some of the responses. And I don’t understand how some responses can be months old for an article published yesterday.
Thinking about ending a long-term friendship of 35 years, because my friend’s depression is dragging me down and making me ill. He’s stopped taking care of himself and his health is deteriorating. It’s like watching a child play in traffic. I can’t do it anymore. I want to run away and start a new life away from everyone I know.
It’s difficult to deal with someone who is deteriorating and doing nothing to really help themself but would rather complain and elicit sympathy. If you are empathetic, it can affect our mental and physical health. You should tell him that because you care so much, it is affecting you negatively. Tell him you will always care but can’t keep doing this. You are not being selfish but simply protecting your own health.
I am having difficulties with a long-time friendship (25 years) and am trying to figure out what is going on. This woman (I will call her Bonnie) has been a wonderful friend for a long time, but in the past year or something seems to be changing on her end. I have been leaning on her emotionally for several years due to two close family losses (not deaths but devastating losses nevertheless). Bonnie has not complained that she is tired of hearing about my problems, but perhaps she is. She is always available to talk if I need to.
But in the past year, Bonnie has stopped wanting to do the things we used to do regularly together (movies and long lunches). She has been seeing me for lunch occasionally, but does not want to stick around and talk for any length of time like she used to. She eats and then wants to leave immediately.
Bonnie also was curt and unfeeling when I told her (in tears and very upset) about a long-term romantic relationship of mine that had suddenly ended last fall. I could hardly believe that all she could say on the day of the breakup was she loved me and was sorry it had happened but that I “needed to get over it and move on.” That is not something anyone should say to someone who just learned of a serious breakup. I had already been suffering from a long-term family estrangement (and yes she has listened to me about this estrangement for years). Still, I listened to her too about her problems and losses and I thought we were both OK with our shared confidences. I had to tell Bonnie (and I did this in person) that she had hurt me with her uncaring response to my breakup with my romantic partner. She definitely apologized for her response. She said she did not realize she had hurt me and that she was glad I had told her how I felt about it. I thought everythign was Ok between us.
However, Bonnie has in the past year started wanting to get together with me and another close friend of mine rather than just me alone. Bonnie barely knows my friend, but has been so persistent about wanting to include her in our get-togethers that I have done that twice now. Bonnie even tried to invite herself to my other friend’s birthday lunch that I had planned for the two of us (something I have always done with Bonnie on her birthday, too).
The last time we three were together at a restaurant (this past week), I had to leave early. I learned later that Bonnie (after I left) asked my other friend for her phone number as well as wanting to know if she is interested in becoming involved in a different kind of activity with her. Bonnie has never asked me to do this activity with her. And since she barely knows my other friend, she has no need for her phone number. It feels like what Bonnie did is a betrayal of our friendship.
Now here I am again, for the second time in six months, feeling compelled to have another sit-down conversation with Bonnie about what she did this week.
I experienced what you describe as a “betrayal,” by very long term friend. We haver been friends since we were 13 years old and we are now 66. I never confronted her about it, just let it go. She uses me, to paint her home, asking me to sew and crochet for her. When she was diagnosed with breast cancer, I took her several family meals to help her, however, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer a year later, she never reciprocated. She has birthday parties and expects to receive “gifts.” She has disrespected me with harsh words, concerning my son, calling me stupid, calling my son stupid. I was so taken aback, I could not respond. I cannot get over her kicking me at my most vulnerable point. However we have several mutual friends, from childhood, which complicates matters. I have not made a clean break from her so called “friendship,” because of the other women. I do not answer the phone when she calls. I didn’t go to her birthday party, because of her expectations of me. I just don’t care for any longer. I do not wish her harm, but no longer see her as I used to see her. I see now, how she uses people.. She has a large nice home, but goes to food banks, instead of buying food. She works the system to get by, in life. The last straw was when she opened several “Go Fund Me,” pages on F/B, asked for money for her cancer treatment, then used the money, instead using the donations to buy a 4,000 dollar puppy.
She wasn’t a good friend, or indeed a good person. Glad you let her go.
The fact is as much as our friends love us, they don’t want to listen to complaints and constant bad news and problems. Bonnie wants to have a “fun time” with you but instead probably walks away from visits bummed out and exacerbated. I have a friend who always has some negative crisis going on and I do try to avoid her because it is depressing being around her. Maybe you need to deal with these negative situations with a therapist and just try to enjoy yourself with your friend.
Agree with you Kim.
Your sad issues in life is the reason your friend is so ready to get up and leave as soon as lunch is over. She obviously still cares enough to try spending time with you but when the whole conversation is wrapped around the problems with your love life or many other problems it takes all the joy out of your time together. Being a friend to someone who is always down or depressed is very hard. Your friend can only say, I’m sorry you are so sad so many times before it gets tiring. Its time for you to move on and stop dwelling on the things that can’t be repaired before you exhaust the relationship you have with her. Where is the fun and laughter that should be a part of an enjoyable time. You are angry that she is trying to include another of your friends in your lunches but that is a good thing. She is hoping it will add some interesting conversation and some fun to your day out. If she is finding that the other person is fun to be with and has invited her to go with her to some other events then you should take a lesson from that, she is looking to enjoy her day instead of wasting it and ending up wishing she had never gone at all. I know this sounds harsh but you must stop using her as a shoulder to cry on start protecting the friendship you have before you lose it.
You might have been using her to relate all your problems too, and she is now fed up of listening to you. I recently spoke to an older lady who said she’s had enough of listening to friends’ problems and that life is too short to be forever supporting people so she now only keeps in contact with people who are positive. She is a very caring person when someone is in need but I think she has a point.
She’s setting boundaries with you. You are leaning on her quite a bit, she’s a friend, not a therapist. When people set boundaries, it’s because they want to remain in the friendship with you and keep their sanity. How much more do you want her to give you?
Sometimes these things can be very exhausting on a friendship. I had a friend who would always call me and I would put about 45 min into the call which was always all about them. The last minute of the convo was so how are things with you? At that point I just wanted off the phone because she was draining me so I said great so I did not have to talk anymore. There is a fine line between needing friend support and offering it. It sounds like yours was out of balance. As for the friend getting a phone number of someone else it sounds like maybe you were jealous. We should not be jealous over friends and if they want to share their number that is their right.